Ditch the conventional pet adjectives — ‘cute’,’sweet’, ‘teeny-weeny’ etc. Kick off your anecdote by describing your rooster Mitzy as, say, ‘responsible’ rather than ‘adorable’. You could also try ‘durable’, ‘sincere’, or, if you really want them to sit up and take notice, ‘sexy’.

Ditch traditional terms of endearment. Instead of saying ‘Mitzy is my baby’, try ‘Mitzy is my role model’.

Invent the story. This is vital because a true account of Mitzy’s activities is not exactly compelling. He crows. He craps.Weave an elaborate fictitious web, ideally casting your pet as catalyst in a series of unfortunate human events. (Heroic Rooster-Saves-Baby tales in the Lassie mould are boring and implausible.)

Don’t allow interruptions. Some listeners will interject and try to tell a story about their pet before you have finished your anecdote. Don’t let them get away with it. Lightly grip their arm and calmly but firmly utter something along the lines of, “Hush. I am trying to tell an anecdote about my sturdy and benevolent rooster, Mitzy.”

Pepper the anecdote with jokes about your pet as a potential source of emergency nourishment. Of course you would never dream of eating Mitzy but your listener will appreciate your pragmatism and robust good humour.

If all else fails, convert your anecdote into a story of injustice and abuse. Tell, for example, of the time you boxed Mitzy's ears after he shat in your wardrobe. The listener will be shocked, disgusted and morbidly enthralled. This is really the only way to make the listener take a genuine interest in your pet and its activities. Tales of adorable quirks will never make the listener care about your pet's welfare.

Wrap up with a lascivious reference to your pet’s nudity. Leave them gasping.

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