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Shop alone – and avoid people who shop in pairs. Flatmates who shop together are too cutesy. Couples who shop together are too mortgagy. The lone supermarket shopper is a sensitive wretch whose shopping conditions must never breach a tender optimum. Do not allow yourself to become agitated by exposing yourself to the domestic budget conversations of others.
Bring your own bag. To go without a bag is really not the thing. The supermarket offers endless opportunities for the astute and righteous shopper to assert moral superiority over others. If you forget your bag you are forfeiting one of them.
Give way at the end of an aisle. Ram and report people who fail to give way.
Glare reproachfully at anyone who buys over 400 grams of processed meats at the deli counter. Because that amount of processed meat is pretty objectionable, isn’t it?
Don’t step in too hastily to assist short people struggling to reach items high on the shelf.Stand back for a minute and enjoy the show. Chuckle patronisingly when you effortlessly pluck the item from the shelf and take the opportunity to make some sort of unnecessary remark about it. Something like: “This stuff looks like mucus.”
Try to pick up other customers. The best way is to hang out in the coffee section, sniffing beans and smiling saucily. The worst way is to roll tins of Spam at people you find attractive. (Spam is repulsive and the tins are square-shaped.)
Don’t give the checkout chick instructions on how to pack your supermarket bag. Do not have an opinion on the topic of how to pack a supermarket bag correctly. (The parents of people who have opinions on this subject tend to be siblings. Discuss.)
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