Using a pair of scissors, cut out photographs of Royal Family members and paste them in a scrapbook. Once every member of the Royal Family is represented within your scrapbook, put the scissors safely away in a drawer. Whatever, you do, don’t put the scissors anywhere near that pig’s balls.

Bake a cake for yourself and your pig. To separate the cake from the tin you cooked it in, run a sharp knife between the sponge and the tin. Once you’ve removed the cake, wash the knife and put it safely away in a drawer. Whatever you do, don’t put the knife anywhere near that porker's testes.

Using a guillotine, remove the heads of people you know who oppose notions of liberty, equality and fraternity. When you have finished executing people, put the guillotine safely away in a shed. Whatever you do, don’t put that guillotine anywhere near that swine's gonads.

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