Keep it simple.You might think it's withering and clever to say, “a degenerate and mangled specimen such as yourself could only have sprung from the loins of sibling executioners.” But “you look like a pigeon” is actually so much better.

Mix up your ‘spews’ and ‘shits’: “Yes, I noticed your new haircut. It’s spewhouse.” “Yes, I have read your poem. It made me shit.”

Sexist, homophobic and racist jokes can backfire. They often distract the insultee and cause him/her to ponder sociopolitical matters at a time when you need them to be focusing fully on what a stinking dreg of duckshit he/she is.

Take inspiration from the world of geology. Geological insults are snappy, startling and curiously hurtful: “You are a metamorphic rock face.”

Take inspiration from the world of computer hardware: "Get over here, you fat-arse motherboard!"

Attack your insultee's nutritional value and texture: “I could never eat a fibrous, gristly old fuck like you.”

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