Always open your conversation/seminar/speech with “No offence, but…” Your listener's ears will prick up eagerly in the promise that a wounding insult is headed their way.

Use colourful language when discussing boring topics. Do not drone on drearily about the weather. Instead deliver a filthy fornicast: “It is a smutty 16 degrees with a light north-easterly blow job.”

Keep your listener on their toes with tricky manoeuvres involving the word ‘pacific’ . For example, "I enjoy travelling to tropical locations, pacifically Tonga and Vanuatu."

Inventive rhetorical questions along the lines of ‘Does a bear shit in the woods?’ are a must if you’re trying to be persuasive: Vulgar jarlsberg-fucking themed rhetorical questions are especially powerful: "Did I have a big weekend, you ask? Did the lonely mouse have his way with the jarlsberg?!"

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